I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
