you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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