there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
