i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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