Her vagina should come with caution tape.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
