I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
