Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
