my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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