his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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