Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
