On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
