Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
