You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
