And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
