I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
