My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
