Please, let me fuck your mom
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
