Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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