I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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