I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
