I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
