I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How does one acquire holy water?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
