He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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