Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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