Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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