i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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