the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
