And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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