Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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