apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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