Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize