i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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