This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
