So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
