Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
