I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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