you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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