I just made out with a guy for $7.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
