That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
