youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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