so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Randomize
