I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
