I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
