Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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