I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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