You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
