Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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