wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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