My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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