i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
