Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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