so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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