well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
