He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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