well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
