hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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