I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
