If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
