I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
