Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i think my cat just said my name.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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