ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
